A Wonderful Christmas Time
Next week we finally reach the culmination of the Christmas Season that started back on the Fourth of Fucking July in malls and retail outlets all over the land. The DAY itself will finally be here and we shall gather with relatives we do not like that much to watch packs of scrambling children reenact Lord of the Flies under the tree in a battle to claim all the gifts some elderly fat burglar is alleged to have left under it for them in the night. It will be magic day full of kindness, peace on earth, intense alcohol consumption to deal with all the asshole relatives that drop by to scrounge a meal and of course that most excellent tradition of watching genetic freaks stuff a ball through a hoop as the NBA claims all the TV space they can this most glorious of holidays.
The commercialization of Christmas has been bemoaned by journalists, pundits, preachers and a host of other people for years now. Unfortunately most of the anti-commercialism screed was written on laptops by people in the food court at the mall while taking a break from searching for a “perfect” gift for a co-worker they ordinarily would not piss on if they were on fire. I am amazed by all the people who manage to talk themselves into a manic spending of Money on idiotic gifts as part of the Christmas spirit. It as if we all think getting old mean ass drunken Uncle Bernie a new personally engraved flask we can truly bring about Peace on Earth and Goodwill to men. Buying gifts like a sweater for Aunt Maggie, who by the way lives in Boca and has not worn a sweater in decades, will not suddenly do away with evil fuckers that wish harm on their fellow humans or gain you special favor in the eyes of God. It just means the poor old lady has to throw away her holiday themed erotica reading collection and special pills stash to make room for the damn thing in her carry on.
We have all been hoodwinked into thinking that Christmas is this grand wonderful time of the year that is going to change our lives for the better with love, kindness and multiple orgasms if we just spend enough money. We buy into it 100% and retailers have floods of ads with cute kids, reindeer and elderly fat men in red suits cheerleading us along. We fall for it every year.
Of course it would not be the modern age if we could not have some political correctness to Christmas. Every year we have the ongoing debate about the proper greeting. Some hardcore absolutely convinced get outraged by the greeting you use to acknowledge the season. Some folks who do not believe are incensed by the phrase Merry Christmas as a greeting! It is insensitive and non-inclusive of those who have different faiths and beliefs. Those who do believe want to kick the living shit out of those who do not use the proper phraseology to acknowledge the birth of their peace loving God. This debate can actually get tempers flaring and rip asunder friendships of long tenure as people defend their strong beliefs about something so fucking ridiculous it isn’t even worth considering. If someone takes a second to acknowledge your puny miserable existence on the planet say thanks and move on even if you are the Bishop of Canterbury and they wish you a Happy Satanic Butt Orgy Day.
This whole Christmas thing is out of hand altogether. This happy marriage of Jesus Christ and Santa Clause has turned into a ridiculous stressful time as we debate who is on or off our shopping list and how much debt we should take on to participate in the magic of the Christmas season. We willingly invite people we do not like to our homes merely because we tumbled out of the same vagina, or at least closely related vaginas, decades ago. We endure crowded malls, ridiculous traffic, horribly enacted Christmas pageants, bad Hallmark movies and some of the worst music you will ever hear in your lifetime played repeatedly and loudly.
Keep in mind this whole thing is just a ruse cooked up by the Catholics to keep the former pagans in the fold. The pagans had big December festivals like Saturnalia every year and they didn’t want to stop. December marked the really fucking nasty part of the winter and folks wanted one last celebration before the bad shit started happening. Back then, without things like gas heat, refrigeration and electric lights , Winter was a long scary time when bad shit happened. Lot of of folks were going to starve , freeze, get mauled by hungry wolves or come to some other unhappy ending during winter and before it got really bad they wanted one last party. The gathered to eat, drink, sing dance, and fuck themselves silly as a way to spit in Winters eye. They were not about to give up their festivities just because there was a new god in town so the Church slipped Christmas into the mix and kept the drinking and singing raging on while doing their best to keep the fucking at a minimum during this newly religious event. Over the centuries the contentious marriage of Jesus and Santa has produced ugly offspring in the form of forced consumption of shit no one needs like Chia Pets, Snuggies, the clapper and other ridiculous crap sold as last minute gift ideas to promote world peace and universal good will.
Of course charities jump into this mix as well tearing at our heartstrings this time of year to squeeze a few bucks out of people who would normally step over starving children on the way to church. I am not saying don’t give to charities but I might suggest that children are starving all year long and there are still far too many illiterate adults in the US so you might want to spread that shit out over the year instead of writing checks to some of the more dubious Holiday panderers you will run across every year. Now if you feel the need to give money this holiday season please note that there is a donate section of this page. We promise to spend it frivolously should you feel the need to purge your soul of all your foul deeds this year with donations to a church.
We approach Christmas a little differently around here. Back when I was still single the kids and I started just having a Christmas Open House every year. I would cook a bunch of food and friends would drop by during the evening and we would all eat and drink too much. We did presents back then but there was none of this I don’t really like this person but its Christmas so we really should crap.If we didn’t like you you didn’t get an invite or a damn present. We ate, we drank , we had fun and it was pretty damn stress free.
Now that Erin and Maeve are in our lives the routine has changed a bit. We still have the open house and put out a ton of food and drink but it is a lot calmer and there are more kids around. It has matured from “cigarettes and bongs on the deck only “ to gingerbread decorating stations next to the bar but it is an incredible time with great people. We post it on the neighborhood Facebook page and every year we get some old friends dropping by and every year we have made a few new one. We banned adult to adult gift giving. Every one of us has a job and if we need or want something we can buy it. The focus is on good times and good people rather than gifts and forced participation in religious services at ungodly hours. I still have to listen to the damned music but all in all it is a much nicer experience than participating in unwilling extended family family togetherness or last minute shopping rushes. We do not stress about it all or feel like we have to include anyone or anything we do not want to in our celebration of the day.
Be with those you like and love this holiday season. Celebrate the approach of winter in the manner and fashion you want rather than as you think you should. If going to mass or church is your thing, then do it. If its not, don’t. If you do not want to watch your grandma yell at Grandpa all day while your passive aggressive mother in law brings tears to everyone everywhere ,while creepy Uncle jack tries to sneak a peak up your wife’s skirt and and your brother in law spreads Christmas warmth buy getting too drunk and pissing his pants again this year, then don’t. Life is too short for that shit. Be with the people you actually want to be with and celebrate how you wish to celebrate. Get the stress of outside expectations out of your holiday experience. Accept that no matter how much you pray or how many gifts you give this year it will not bring about world peace or get rid of all the bad shit bought on by the large percentage of absolutely convinced there are in the world. Enjoy those you love and those you like this Holiday season. Put the credit cards away and keep it simple. The only exception should be the liquor store run. Laugh, drink, eat, sing those shitty songs if you must, kiss your spouse, hug your children and tell the great retail gods of Christmas to fuck off. You can’t make the world better this Christmas or bring out goodwill in men but you can make your little corner of it a little happier.
Merry Fucking Christmas