Clueless Commandments

Do no harm. Try to help if you can but at least don’t hurt anyone intentionally. Work hard, play fair and resist the temptation to fuck others for personal gain

Have lots of sex

Sex is better when mixed with love. It is like bacon and eggs. Both are pretty good on their own but even better together.

Read lots of books. Fiction,  nonfiction,  history,  mysteries,  poetry and trashy novels. Read them all and often. We may or may not have written the real secrets of life in some book somewhere and you will need to read as many as possible to find it

Drink a lot of wine. Its good stuff, relaxes, lowers blood pressure and tastes good. Helps facilitate drunken sex and falling in love as well which is keeping with proclamations #2 and 3.

Listen to lots of music. In a perfect day you will hear more hours of music than you watch TV. Listen to all kinds of music. Except rap and metal. Some other evil ass religion invented that stuff. Just nasty.

Do not take what is not yours. I don’t care if you call it theft, redistribution, taxes or armed fucking robbery. If it is not your do not take it.

If you can help someone do so. Specialize in hand ups not handouts but do what you can to make the world a better, happier place than you found it. If you do give a handout then give it and be done. It is a gift, not a power grab. Give it, take your karma points and move on.

Loans to relatives and friends are gifts. Viewing it this way will relieve a lot of stress since there is almost no chance you are gonna get the money back. Again, take the points and move on.

Watch lots of sunsets. They are beautiful and calming. Same can apply to sunrises but those fuckers happen awfully early in the morning.

If you love someone tell them often. If you dislike someone keep that shit to yourself. No one really cares.

Fuck fear and being afraid. Most of the crap you worry about will never happen. Even if it does happen if it doesn’t kill you it is not fatal and you can recover. If it kills you really won’t give shit about the problem afterwards. Marley was right. Don’t worry, be happy.

Work hard. Hopefully it is at something you love. If not, work hard at what you have until you can do what you love. Don’t worry so much about retirement. That sounds boring as shit anyway.

Take lots of vacations.

Laugh a lot. Life is fucking hysterical most of the time. Don’t think so? Consider the mechanics and plumbing of the sex act. Or the fact that some politicians really believe government knows best. This shit is a crack up.

Love dangerously those that you love. By dangerously I mean risking to be yourself and show your flaws and accept theirs. You are not perfect dipshit. Don’t expect your lovers and partner to be. Or your kids for that matter.

Watch lots of baseball. Don’t root for the Yankees unless you actually live in New York. You should always root for the Cubs at least a little no matter where you live.

Friends are important. Make good ones and hold fast.

Forgive quickly. Other people are just as entitled to fuck up as you are.

Enjoy all the good things of life. Savor the moments that make up a life.  Even the meanest, ugliest life has moments of stunning beauty. Hold onto those above the bumps and grinds of day to day existence.

There will be rain and tears. Embrace and accept that fact. Time does heal most wounds and you can carry on. Happiness and sunshine need a comparable to be meaningful.

Life on balance should be fun and full of raucous joy. If not what the fresh hell is the point of all this?

I’m pretty sure God would like you to get to heaven with bruises  and a  hangover thanking her for the incredible ride.

We do not know what is next but we can damn sure enjoy what is here. We have no fucking clue but accept the wine is proof that God exists and loves us (stealing from and rewording the esteemed Mr. Franklin).

Your prophet is something of an asshole but send me money anyway


1 –  Forget about everyone else and focus on yourself.  If you are outraged about another’s religion, politics or sports team affiliation, it probably means you are feeling insecure and ranting out-loud to drown out the little voice inside your head that’s telling you that you need to change. The more someone else pisses you off, the more unhappy you are with yourself. So stop yelling and start listening.

2 – Celebrate the holy season of Loan. Instead of Lent we shall over the same time period celebrate the life we have been loaned for as long as we are here with all its mysteries, joys and wonder by whatever deity exists