Happiness is….

Happiness is one of those topics that just purely befuddles the shit out of people. We spend most of our live’s talking about thinking about it and mostly bitching about how we aren’t. Somebody is always unhappy about some damn thing or another. I am not happy about this administration. I am not too happy about the economy. I am not happy that the Boston Fucking Red Sox look like they have a pretty good team again this year. I am not happy about this, you are not happy about that and it seems most days no one anywhere is happy about one damn thing.  Most people cannot even define what makes them happy but they can sure as hell tell you when they aren’t.

People will tell you what happiness is quick enough, especially the dipshits at Hallmark and other sappy ass card and sign manufacturers. You see those all the time and they are just full of shit. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said happiness is a puppy. What horse shit! Puppies crap on the floor, eat your good shoes, piss on the couch. You have to take them out just so you can have the pure raw fucking pleasure of picking up their shit in a plastic bag. I have a dog and I am fond of her but she is not the source of my happiness and when she was a puppy most days I feared she was too dumb to breathe.

Or how about this one ? Happiness is chocolate. Fucking- a- tweety. If being fat, pimpled and diabetic is you bag, baby, then happiness is indeed chocolate.

The Beatles gave us happiness is a warm gun. That can be true sometimes as I love to go to the range and just blow the shit out of stuff so if the gun is warm I have probably been out having a good time at the range. However most of the time, my guns just kind of lay around the house and since we keep the AC cranked up here in Florida they are usually cold. So, not much there either.

I saw one the other day that said happiness is seeing your mother smile. That’s pure horseshit. If my mother is smiling she just ruined one of her kid’s lives or smeared them so deep in guilt that they will prefer the company of a starved leopardess  to another maternal visitation. If my mother is smiling I am not happy, I am sending a search party out for the bodies and notifying mental hospitals for fifty miles in any direction that they have waves of incoming new patients.

There are all sorts of variations about happiness being the result of babies and children. Again, bullshit. Babies are not a lot fucking different than puppies without the added disadvantage of not even being able to bark and let you know the mail is here. Then they grow up and it costs you a fortune to feed them, clothe them, educate them and $250 tennis shoe them. Children do not even come close to being a source of happiness until they are old enough to go to the liquor store and bring you back booze and smokes. Until then they are messy little parasites that look vaguely like you or your ex.

Some famous Swami once said “Desire nothing, give up all desires and be happy.” Profound but don’t you end up as an emasculated homeless person (also known as a bum with erectile dysfunction issues) if you follow the path to its logical conclusion?

Then there is the variation of happiness is a choice. Of course it is. Let me see you choose to be happy when you get an IRS audit notice in the mail the same day your dipshit stockbroker calls to tell that that great idea of his didn’t work out so well and you may have a minor, little administrative detail of a six figure margin call while your spouse is back in the bedroom packing to run off with the pool boy/tennis pro, your son needs bail money and your daughter escaped from the fucking rehab again. Choose happy now, bitch.

Even though the Rolling Stones were a much better rock and roll band my favorite thought on happiness comes again from one of the Beatles. John Lennon once said “When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”

I may not have a handle all the big questions in life. Of course it could also be true that I personally think all the big question in life are bullshit and not worth pondering but that’s another subject altogether. But I have done a pretty good job figuring out some of this happiness shit. No one is happy every goddamn day but I come pretty damn close to it. Unless those fucking kids next door turn that hoo-bop rap shit up so fucking loud it drowns out the ball game again.

If something makes you happy and it doesn’t hurt anyone else, do it as often as you can. Bye the way the second part of that sentence is as important if not more so than the first half. For example driving drunk is an enormous amount of fun as anyone who has done it and does not bow down to PC bullshit will freely admit. However when you do it, it puts others at risk so it is a no-no on the happiness list.

If something makes you unhappy, stop doing it. This is especially true of your career. We will all find ourselves trapped doing something we despise for at least some part of our lives. Be aware of it and look to acquire new skills or a new position that supports your desired lifestyle as soon as possible. Lfie is too short to spend 10 hours a week driving someplace to spend 40-60 hours doing something you despise. It is not necessarily true that if you do what you love the money will follow (I have yet to find someone to pay me to sit around reading books drinking wine and watching baseball, Although I suppose if I ever found a posting for book reviewer/baseball columnist/wine critic that would work so maybe I am wrong in the altogether about this) but find some variation of that which works for you.

Hang around people whose company you enjoy. Especially if they make you laugh a lot.

Don’t hang around people you don’t like even if you think there is something they can do for you. If you don’t like them they are probably assholes and are not going to do it anyway.

Hang around smart people. Hemingway once said that “Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.” This can be true. If you are intelligent you know there is a lot of bad nasty shit in the world along with a lot of truly evil twisted individuals in the world (mostly Democrats, hard core religionists and serial killers). However if you are really intelligent you are also aware that there is a lot of good and wondrous shit like books, love, sex, jazz, baseball , and other assorted pleasures and pursuits that make life interesting and exciting. The really smart ones know that once in while they get a chance to help someone else get a leg up towards their happiness and they take full advantage.

Don’t hang around dumb people. When you hang around dumb people dumb shit inevitably happens.

When it comes to religions, philosophy and other important matters avoid at all costs people who think they know what is going to happen and what is best for you. These absolutely convinced mother fuckers will make you miserable. It is also usually a good idea to avoid people who don’t like baseball and those who think they can predict the stock market.

Here is how this happiness thing works. Do you have what you need to live? Do you like what you are doing with your life? Are there people in your life that you love and love you? Do you like the people you spend your time with? Do you like where and how you live? Do you spend a lot of time doing things you enjoy and that have meaning for you? If you have all yes answers you are happy. Quit fucking fretting over happiness and get back to living your life.

If you have no answers to these questions figure out what you have to do to change them. The pursuit of happiness is one of your greatest rights granted by a benevolent deity but it is not just going to come to you like fairy dream on a wave of unicorn farts in the middle of the night. Figure out what you have to do to change the no answers to yes one and get on with doing it.

Happiness is pretty much what you want it to be. One shot, one life here, you night as well be fucking happy while you are here.




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